Monthly Archives: December 2012
Hello friends. This is Dr. Steven Hawkings alive and well. It would seem the Ancient Mayans were wrong about the end of the world. How could they just make an assumption like that with no proof to back it up? It’s disgusting.
However, researchers are stunned by the discovery of another calendar that advances hundreds of years into our future and then abruptly stops. I am, of coarse, talking about an ancient technological device called the Sega Saturn, who’s calendar mysteriously ends on the date, January 1st, 2199.
Much like the end of the Mayan calendar, this information can only be interpreted as the date in which our world will end. Scientists are working day an night to study this date and any astrological events that may coincide. One study predicts that the times around the year 2199 will have human beings enslaved by computerized robots who use them as batteries. Their minds being fooled by a sophisticated computer program that mimics real life.
Skip to the 5:14 mark in the video below for proof.
The Verge reports that Dr. Melba S. Ketchum, a Texan geneticist, has gathered a DNA sample of Bigfoot, lifted from a half eaten blueberry bagel. Ketchum has been studying the DNA for quite some time and claims to soon be releasing her results.
What she doesn’t know is that Will Henton, one of my ‘Bologna or Not? colleagues, was hiding in the bushes outside Ketchum’s home where the bagel bait had been placed, hoping to get the jump on Bigfoot.
Will missed his opportunity to witness the great ape in action but as soon as Will woke up and remembered where he was, he instead grabbed his own sample from the bagel and brought it back to headquarters for analyses.
Will brought me the sample and I placed it into the DNA analyzer that I bought off eBay. Two weeks later, we had our results. The DNA did not match any creature known to science, but it did match another sample we had from an unrelated study years earlier.
We had once aspired to determine the identity of Santa Claus. Our plan was to have Will set out milk and cookies for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve and then take DNA samples from the half eaten Oreos and milk glass. That sample had no matches and the case went cold.
However, the DNA sample from the bagel exactly matches that of the cookie sample. We can conclude positively that whoever, or whatever, ate that bagel is the same entity that had eaten the cookies years earlier. Ketchum swears the bagel was eaten by a Bigfoot and Will swears he doesn’t go around tasting every food he gets close to, so the only reasonable possibility left is that Bigfoot and Santa Claus are the same creature.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from ‘Bologna or Not?’!
National Geographic has published a report detailing the magnitude of life that lives within the human belly button, describing the ecosystem within is as a “rain forest.”
The study involved 60 different belly buttons in which over two thousand species live, about fifteen hundred of them are new to science.
Studies are underway to observe the creatures who occupy the navel including the indigenous village dwelling tribes. The tiny villagers appear to be thousands of years behind modern technology but they seem to be approaching the discovery of fire.
It is theorized that in some rare cases, belly buttons are inhabited by slightly more advanced civilizations who, in fact, have already learned to start fires. It is further speculated that this might be the cause of spontaneous human combustion.
Researchers are working around the clock to establish contact with the microscopic people and we’ll be sure to report on anything they find out.