Author Archives: Dr. Steven Hawkings, Scientician
Nature.com reports that Canadian miners have tapped into a pool of water so far beneath the surface of the Earth, and so old, and so isolated that is has never been touched by human urine.
This of course makes it prime drinking water as the only known source of water that has never been peed in by anything, even your expensive, bland, bottled water has traces of urine in them. However, before richest one percent of the world’s population can take a drink (which will most certainly grant them everlasting life or, perhaps, super powers), scientists want to test the water for microbial life which may or may not be expelling urine into it at a subatomic level.
These studies may help us determine if life could be supported in other, such hostile locations, as under the surface of Mars.
Some experts say that the underground water could be dangerous in it’s current state and that somebody should pee into it right away to avoid unforeseen consequences.
Apparently, there is a drunk driving epidemic in Bowling Green causing wide spread perishing among the young. It’s a workload that even Death can’t handle and he aims to reduce it. The Reaper met with the Sheriff and together they came up with a ritual that they hope will make a point and lead to smarter decisions from teenagers.
The ritual begins in a darkened gymnasium where each student holds a candle. At random, the Grim Reaper approaches a student and taps him/her on the shoulder. The student then blows out his/her candle and a paramedic rushes out to lay the student on the floor. A white sheet is placed over the student to simulate his/her death and live worms are thrown on top to represent the process of decomposition.
Later, fake obituaries are read to other students who don’t know they are fake. The hope is that these students will become much too depressed to go out and party anymore and thus solve the problem for good.
Now, I would like to make clear that it is sometimes necessary to use fictional characters to make a point more clear. Although the sheriff, the students and others were very real, an actor was hired to play the paramedic. However, it doesn’t make the message any less valid.
Join me next week for more strange tales.
Attention my fellow human mammals. A video that I found on YouTube has indisputably captured a shape-shifting humanoid reptilian alien within Barack Obama’s secret service. The video below clearly shows an out of place “man” twitching his head oddly and later he is seen actually changing the shape of his skull.
This brings to the table many questions. Like who else might be a shape-shifter? And how can you tell one from a real person? I went to my colleague, Nick Kilcoyne for his take, “it would seem to me that reptiles would have quite a different diet than humans. So if you suspect someone of being a shape-shifter, I recommend examining their feces.” Nick then checked the App Store for a feces scanner.
I then asked my other co-worker, Will Henton, who said, “I don’t know anything about shape-shifters but I’ll tell you about a shift-shaper, look at the new work schedule Patrick made. Now I work more days than I have off! How ridiculous is that?
So what do you think? Is the Government riddled with shape-shifting aliens?
Join me again next time for more tales of the unexplained. Hawkings, Goodnight.
A Chattanooga paranormal research firm called Global Paranormal Services has claimed to have collected inarguable evidence that ghosts exists.
As the website, Who Forted, reports, the group was investigating a supposed haunting at the local library. This was smart of them because libraries always have a “ghost section” so I applaud them and their intuition. An unnamed forensic lab has looked over their evidence has has confirmed it’s authenticity.
However, their evidence will not be shown to the public just yet but they have released a teaser photograph that shows a white bloby specter that resembles a snowman. Whether this is the ghost of a snowman or if you just turn into a snowman once you pass is unknown at this time. We’ll have to wait for more details.
A woman in the area also dialed 911 claiming that a man was trying to kill her. Police arrived on the scene to find the woman bleeding. She was admitted to the hospital and is expected to be fine. About 10 minutes later, a neighbor reported a prowler near his home. When police arrived, they found Lankford. He seemed to be disoriented and believed he was in a city called Lilburn, which was about 18 miles away from the scene. He also displayed slurred speech and difficulty maintaining balance – the clues are falling into place. For the sake of thoroughness, I’ll add that the police officer noticed the odor of alcohol on the suspect’s breath but I believe this fact to be unimportant.
When questioned, Lankford gave the police officer a perfectly reasonable explanation for the odd events, he had been abducted by aliens. Think about it, the mysterious crashed car, dropped by a flying saucer. The injured woman, the recipient of an alien implant. Lankford’s confused mental and physical state, aftershock from extraterrestrial experimentation. It all makes sense.
However as usual, a cover up was taking place and Lankford became the scapegoat here, being hauled away to jail accused of a DUI. When will people learn?
Join me next Friday for more tales of the paranormal.
It is a sad and disturbing day indeed. The people at The Voice of Russia reports that the decomposed corpse of the Lock Ness Monster has been discovered dumped in a remote lake in Siberia. This adds the Lock Ness Monster to the growing list of creatures that have only been seen in their murdered state, this includes the Woolly Mammoth, the Saber Tooth Tiger, all the dinosaurs and King Tut.
Dmitry Shiller, the head of an underwater research team went to the bottom of the worlds coldest lake, Lake Labynkyr. Don’t worry, they all wore two sweaters each. When they got to the bottom, they discovered the jaw and partial skeleton of a huge underwater creature.
Bones underwater? In Siberia? What else could it be but the Lock Ness Monster? Reminds me of the time I discovered bones under the floorboards of my rental home and determined they belonged to Bigfoot.
In a report by the Examiner tell of an unnamed “witness” from South Carolina who claims to have had roughly two hours of his life disappear. The phenomena of missing time has been around for many many years and it is almost always the result of an alien abduction.
The witness in the story says that he had fallen asleep on the couch when his wife came into wake him and ask if he was going to bed. He declined stating that if he moved he wouldn’t be able to go back to sleep. His wife brought him a blanket and he went back to sleep on the couch. He woke up a few hours later and it was dark out. He looked at the clock and saw that it was 2:15 in the morning – time for a Mountain Dew. He gets his Dew out of the fridge and brings it back to the couch. The witness put his Dew on the floor and waits a moment. He rubned his aching neck and then picked up his drink only to notice how warm it’s gotten. He also noticed that his neck is not aching. He also notices that it was 4:23 am.
About 2 hours had gone by in a matter of minutes. Outside his window he could see strange lights a few hundred yards away.
As a scientist, I can see one of two explanations here. One, the man was tired and when sitting on the couch, he unknowingly fell asleep and didn’t realize it. Waking up two hours later in a half asleep and confused state leading to rash conclusions.
Or two, the more likely scenario, he was paralyzed by extraterrestrial abductors who snuck into his house and dragged him outside, down the street and into their space ship. There, he was subjected to repeated experimentation including playing slapjack with a chimpanzee, identifying inappropriate table manners, and burping the human alphabet. Later, he was brought to the kennel where he was thrown into a cage with a hybrid being that appeared to be half-human half-Danny DeVito. After a quick decontamination and memory erasing procedure, he was put back in the exact place on the couch where the extraterrestrials thanked him for a wonderful time and kissed him goodnight before returning to their home planet.
Perhaps a hypnosis procedure will reveal the truth however we have contacted many people who claim to be a “witness” to something but so far we have not found this particular witness.
Join me again next week for more true stories of the paranormal.
Hello again this week, a blog by the name of ShukerNater posts an article supposedly debunking the story of the mighty ghost chimp, Ufiti.
The story of Ufiti is a rather interesting one, in the area known as Malawi in Africa, a human settlement, strange sightings of an ape-like creature started to be reported in the 1960s in an area where no chimpanzee species was known to occupy. The description of this creature mostly match that of a western African chimpanzee except it had some characteristics from a mature male gorilla such as a gray saddle and an unusually large size.
Ufiti would seemingly appear out of nowhere around construction sites and other areas where humans tend to congregate. When a person attempted to get close to Ufiti, she would back into the jungle and disappear. Eventually, the construction sites became littered with banana peals and the people decided that Ufiti had to be captured.
When entering the jungle in pursuit of the mysterious ape, people were shocked to discover over 30 treetop structures, one had a satellite dish on the top.
Ufiti was found and caught. It turned out that she wasn’t a ghost, yet. She was soon sent to a local zoo where her health rapidly deteriorated and she was put down. At least that’s what we’ve been told.
There have been quiet rumblings of the true nature of the creature called Ufiti. These people have mostly been silenced however, a some have, on their death beds, revealed the shocking secret, Ufiti was a psychic. She was able to open her cage door with her mind.
She would often use her powers to gain entry to the kitchen where she would gorge herself on fruit and pancake mix. The people at the zoo learned to be afraid of Ufiti since she was able to control not only things but people with her mind. One report tells of the time that she made two co-workers groom each other and then have a feces fight.
One day Ufiti was found to be missing. It was later learned that she had become bored of living on Earth and had returned to her home planet. Yes, her home planet. Remember that satellite dish on her jungle construct? I was a communication device pointed at a star known as HR 8799, her presumed home system.
Officials maintain that Ufiti was just a garden variety chimpanzee, a possible escaped pet who died in a zoo. However, I offer no poof that any of that is true and I ask you to instead believe the stuff I have written.