It is a sad and disturbing day indeed. The people at The Voice of Russia reports that the decomposed corpse of the Lock Ness Monster has been discovered dumped in a remote lake in Siberia. This adds the Lock Ness Monster to the growing list of creatures that have only been seen in their murdered state, this includes the Woolly Mammoth, the Saber Tooth Tiger, all the dinosaurs and King Tut.
Dmitry Shiller, the head of an underwater research team went to the bottom of the worlds coldest lake, Lake Labynkyr. Don’t worry, they all wore two sweaters each. When they got to the bottom, they discovered the jaw and partial skeleton of a huge underwater creature.
Bones underwater? In Siberia? What else could it be but the Lock Ness Monster? Reminds me of the time I discovered bones under the floorboards of my rental home and determined they belonged to Bigfoot.
Hello again this week, a blog by the name of ShukerNater posts an article supposedly debunking the story of the mighty ghost chimp, Ufiti.
The story of Ufiti is a rather interesting one, in the area known as Malawi in Africa, a human settlement, strange sightings of an ape-like creature started to be reported in the 1960s in an area where no chimpanzee species was known to occupy. The description of this creature mostly match that of a western African chimpanzee except it had some characteristics from a mature male gorilla such as a gray saddle and an unusually large size.
Ufiti would seemingly appear out of nowhere around construction sites and other areas where humans tend to congregate. When a person attempted to get close to Ufiti, she would back into the jungle and disappear. Eventually, the construction sites became littered with banana peals and the people decided that Ufiti had to be captured.
When entering the jungle in pursuit of the mysterious ape, people were shocked to discover over 30 treetop structures, one had a satellite dish on the top.
Ufiti was found and caught. It turned out that she wasn’t a ghost, yet. She was soon sent to a local zoo where her health rapidly deteriorated and she was put down. At least that’s what we’ve been told.
There have been quiet rumblings of the true nature of the creature called Ufiti. These people have mostly been silenced however, a some have, on their death beds, revealed the shocking secret, Ufiti was a psychic. She was able to open her cage door with her mind.
She would often use her powers to gain entry to the kitchen where she would gorge herself on fruit and pancake mix. The people at the zoo learned to be afraid of Ufiti since she was able to control not only things but people with her mind. One report tells of the time that she made two co-workers groom each other and then have a feces fight.
One day Ufiti was found to be missing. It was later learned that she had become bored of living on Earth and had returned to her home planet. Yes, her home planet. Remember that satellite dish on her jungle construct? I was a communication device pointed at a star known as HR 8799, her presumed home system.
Officials maintain that Ufiti was just a garden variety chimpanzee, a possible escaped pet who died in a zoo. However, I offer no poof that any of that is true and I ask you to instead believe the stuff I have written.
The great Doctor (me) is back again. This week, talking about that colossal calamari, the Giant Squid, the Kraken. Many people over the centuries have claimed to have encounters with the Giant Squid and so far, all have been declared clinically insane.
Now, according to Reuters, the county of Japan has come out with what they claim is actual photographs of the Kraken in it’s natural habitat which turns out to be, amazingly, in the water.
Tsunemi Kubodera, a zoologist at Japan’s National Museum of Nature and Science explains how he managed to capture images of the creature, “If you try and approach making a load of noise, using a bright white light, then the squid won’t come anywhere near you. That was our basic thinking,” Kubodera said. “So we sat there in the pitch black, using a near-infrared light invisible even to the human eye, waiting for the giant squid to approach.”
The claim is that the reason we have never captured a giant squid on film before is because it’s been scared away by the noisy and bright underwater machines have been sent after it in the past.
We may be able to apply this reasoning to other elusive creatures such as Bigfoot for example. Perhaps we have never seen a Bigfoot because it is terrified of people. I suggest that Bigfoot hunters do so while completely invisible or failing that, wearing a big friendly teddy bear suite.
However, some are not convinced, the United States is skeptical of this discovery and is in the process of getting Japan declared clinically insane. Something it’s been trying to do for decades.
Join me next week for more strange tails.
An interesting video was posted on Youtube a few days ago titled, ‘Unidentified Lights.’ A woman named Diana Navarro, was filming the New York sunrise for an unknown reason when she noticed lights glowing from odd rectangular constructs rising out of the ground. As she pans the camera it shows more of these lighted structures.
I for one am terrified by this video. What ever is depicted by this video, it’s obviously a hostile take over. I have been preparing for an event like this for 25 years. I have even build a car that runs on wood gas. If anybody needs me I’ll be in Vault number 21.
Join me next week for more tales of the paranormal.
The Verge reports that Dr. Melba S. Ketchum, a Texan geneticist, has gathered a DNA sample of Bigfoot, lifted from a half eaten blueberry bagel. Ketchum has been studying the DNA for quite some time and claims to soon be releasing her results.
What she doesn’t know is that Will Henton, one of my ‘Bologna or Not? colleagues, was hiding in the bushes outside Ketchum’s home where the bagel bait had been placed, hoping to get the jump on Bigfoot.
Will missed his opportunity to witness the great ape in action but as soon as Will woke up and remembered where he was, he instead grabbed his own sample from the bagel and brought it back to headquarters for analyses.
Will brought me the sample and I placed it into the DNA analyzer that I bought off eBay. Two weeks later, we had our results. The DNA did not match any creature known to science, but it did match another sample we had from an unrelated study years earlier.
We had once aspired to determine the identity of Santa Claus. Our plan was to have Will set out milk and cookies for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve and then take DNA samples from the half eaten Oreos and milk glass. That sample had no matches and the case went cold.
However, the DNA sample from the bagel exactly matches that of the cookie sample. We can conclude positively that whoever, or whatever, ate that bagel is the same entity that had eaten the cookies years earlier. Ketchum swears the bagel was eaten by a Bigfoot and Will swears he doesn’t go around tasting every food he gets close to, so the only reasonable possibility left is that Bigfoot and Santa Claus are the same creature.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from ‘Bologna or Not?’!
National Geographic has published a report detailing the magnitude of life that lives within the human belly button, describing the ecosystem within is as a “rain forest.”
The study involved 60 different belly buttons in which over two thousand species live, about fifteen hundred of them are new to science.
Studies are underway to observe the creatures who occupy the navel including the indigenous village dwelling tribes. The tiny villagers appear to be thousands of years behind modern technology but they seem to be approaching the discovery of fire.
It is theorized that in some rare cases, belly buttons are inhabited by slightly more advanced civilizations who, in fact, have already learned to start fires. It is further speculated that this might be the cause of spontaneous human combustion.
Researchers are working around the clock to establish contact with the microscopic people and we’ll be sure to report on anything they find out.