Attention my fellow human mammals. A video that I found on YouTube has indisputably captured a shape-shifting humanoid reptilian alien within Barack Obama’s secret service. The video below clearly shows an out of place “man” twitching his head oddly and later he is seen actually changing the shape of his skull.
This brings to the table many questions. Like who else might be a shape-shifter? And how can you tell one from a real person? I went to my colleague, Nick Kilcoyne for his take, “it would seem to me that reptiles would have quite a different diet than humans. So if you suspect someone of being a shape-shifter, I recommend examining their feces.” Nick then checked the App Store for a feces scanner.
I then asked my other co-worker, Will Henton, who said, “I don’t know anything about shape-shifters but I’ll tell you about a shift-shaper, look at the new work schedule Patrick made. Now I work more days than I have off! How ridiculous is that?
So what do you think? Is the Government riddled with shape-shifting aliens?
Join me again next time for more tales of the unexplained. Hawkings, Goodnight.
A woman in the area also dialed 911 claiming that a man was trying to kill her. Police arrived on the scene to find the woman bleeding. She was admitted to the hospital and is expected to be fine. About 10 minutes later, a neighbor reported a prowler near his home. When police arrived, they found Lankford. He seemed to be disoriented and believed he was in a city called Lilburn, which was about 18 miles away from the scene. He also displayed slurred speech and difficulty maintaining balance – the clues are falling into place. For the sake of thoroughness, I’ll add that the police officer noticed the odor of alcohol on the suspect’s breath but I believe this fact to be unimportant.
When questioned, Lankford gave the police officer a perfectly reasonable explanation for the odd events, he had been abducted by aliens. Think about it, the mysterious crashed car, dropped by a flying saucer. The injured woman, the recipient of an alien implant. Lankford’s confused mental and physical state, aftershock from extraterrestrial experimentation. It all makes sense.
However as usual, a cover up was taking place and Lankford became the scapegoat here, being hauled away to jail accused of a DUI. When will people learn?
Join me next Friday for more tales of the paranormal.
Hello again this week, a blog by the name of ShukerNater posts an article supposedly debunking the story of the mighty ghost chimp, Ufiti.
The story of Ufiti is a rather interesting one, in the area known as Malawi in Africa, a human settlement, strange sightings of an ape-like creature started to be reported in the 1960s in an area where no chimpanzee species was known to occupy. The description of this creature mostly match that of a western African chimpanzee except it had some characteristics from a mature male gorilla such as a gray saddle and an unusually large size.
Ufiti would seemingly appear out of nowhere around construction sites and other areas where humans tend to congregate. When a person attempted to get close to Ufiti, she would back into the jungle and disappear. Eventually, the construction sites became littered with banana peals and the people decided that Ufiti had to be captured.
When entering the jungle in pursuit of the mysterious ape, people were shocked to discover over 30 treetop structures, one had a satellite dish on the top.
Ufiti was found and caught. It turned out that she wasn’t a ghost, yet. She was soon sent to a local zoo where her health rapidly deteriorated and she was put down. At least that’s what we’ve been told.
There have been quiet rumblings of the true nature of the creature called Ufiti. These people have mostly been silenced however, a some have, on their death beds, revealed the shocking secret, Ufiti was a psychic. She was able to open her cage door with her mind.
She would often use her powers to gain entry to the kitchen where she would gorge herself on fruit and pancake mix. The people at the zoo learned to be afraid of Ufiti since she was able to control not only things but people with her mind. One report tells of the time that she made two co-workers groom each other and then have a feces fight.
One day Ufiti was found to be missing. It was later learned that she had become bored of living on Earth and had returned to her home planet. Yes, her home planet. Remember that satellite dish on her jungle construct? I was a communication device pointed at a star known as HR 8799, her presumed home system.
Officials maintain that Ufiti was just a garden variety chimpanzee, a possible escaped pet who died in a zoo. However, I offer no poof that any of that is true and I ask you to instead believe the stuff I have written.
An interesting video was posted on Youtube a few days ago titled, ‘Unidentified Lights.’ A woman named Diana Navarro, was filming the New York sunrise for an unknown reason when she noticed lights glowing from odd rectangular constructs rising out of the ground. As she pans the camera it shows more of these lighted structures.
I for one am terrified by this video. What ever is depicted by this video, it’s obviously a hostile take over. I have been preparing for an event like this for 25 years. I have even build a car that runs on wood gas. If anybody needs me I’ll be in Vault number 21.
Join me next week for more tales of the paranormal.
The Verge reports that Dr. Melba S. Ketchum, a Texan geneticist, has gathered a DNA sample of Bigfoot, lifted from a half eaten blueberry bagel. Ketchum has been studying the DNA for quite some time and claims to soon be releasing her results.
What she doesn’t know is that Will Henton, one of my ‘Bologna or Not? colleagues, was hiding in the bushes outside Ketchum’s home where the bagel bait had been placed, hoping to get the jump on Bigfoot.
Will missed his opportunity to witness the great ape in action but as soon as Will woke up and remembered where he was, he instead grabbed his own sample from the bagel and brought it back to headquarters for analyses.
Will brought me the sample and I placed it into the DNA analyzer that I bought off eBay. Two weeks later, we had our results. The DNA did not match any creature known to science, but it did match another sample we had from an unrelated study years earlier.
We had once aspired to determine the identity of Santa Claus. Our plan was to have Will set out milk and cookies for Santa Claus on Christmas Eve and then take DNA samples from the half eaten Oreos and milk glass. That sample had no matches and the case went cold.
However, the DNA sample from the bagel exactly matches that of the cookie sample. We can conclude positively that whoever, or whatever, ate that bagel is the same entity that had eaten the cookies years earlier. Ketchum swears the bagel was eaten by a Bigfoot and Will swears he doesn’t go around tasting every food he gets close to, so the only reasonable possibility left is that Bigfoot and Santa Claus are the same creature.
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays from ‘Bologna or Not?’!